“I wasn’t scared of being groped,” Women only parties are creating safe spaces for Nigerian women - Minority Africa
Ope Adedeji
April 1, 2020
Lagos, Nigeria (Minority Africa) — On November 26, 2018, Ugochi*, a 24-year-old writer was walking to her office along the streets of Lagos, Nigeria when a man popped his head from behind the bonnet of a car, gave her a quick look and said, “I’m going to suck it very well.”
By ‘it,’ the man meant her breasts.
Ugochi’s first reaction was confusion, followed by anger; she remembers being unable to work for the rest of the day.
“[The experience] made me feel completely dirty,” she says. “I felt the need to have a bath, to wash off myself.”
“I started thinking, ‘maybe I shouldn’t have had breasts at all’ because I have no agency over who looks at it or who talks about it. I felt helpless and enraged.”
That incident was the first of many different forms of harassment Ugochi would come to experience in Lagos, a city she had then just moved to, yet she wouldn’t be exactly shocked. It was the same even in Enugu, a state in Eastern Nigeria, 567 km from Lagos, where she had moved from.
On some days, Ugochi was called Naira Marley, a Nigerian musician who wears longer but similar-looking dreadlocks and on other days, strangers questioned her gender.
“They want to figure me out, because they know I don’t tick their normal box,” she says.“If I don’t answer, they follow me and yell the questions after me until they’re tired.”
This harassment happened at parties too — especially at parties. When Ugochi danced with her partner who is also a woman, men came between them or behind her, groping her and making her feel mentally exhausted, she says.
It was thus only natural that when Ugochi learned about Wine and Whine— a party strictly for women — from a flyer she saw circulating on social media, she was delighted.
“I’m always comfortable in women-only spaces,” she says. “So there was no second thought about attending Wine and Whine.”
Founded in October 2018  by Dami Odufuwa and Odun Eweniyi, Wine and Whine is an organisation centered on creating safe spaces for women to converge, discuss issues that affect them, and then execute relevant solutions.
“The goal is to create a women-focused network that will eventually have physical spaces all over the country where women can learn, relax and more importantly connect with other women,” says Odunayo Eweniyi, co-founder of Wine and Whine.
Before she founded Wine and Whine, 26-year-old Eweniyi studied engineering and she now works in technology — both heavily male-dominated fields. She says that the thinly-veiled misogyny she had to overcome made it imperative for her to hold the door wide open for the women coming after.
Since its inception, the organisation has successfully hosted a series of women-only events, including a self-defense class for women. The women’s only party which held in November 2019 in Lagos was nonetheless the first of its kind.
Over 300 women were in attendance and everyone from the bouncers to the bartenders was a woman.
“It is exhausting being on-guard every minute of every day,” Eweniyi says.“[It is] something that all women are familiar with, and we wanted to do something about that.
In Nigeria, women continue to face various forms of sexual harassment and violence. One in four Nigerian women report experiencing sexual violence as children and almost 25% of women within the ages of 18 to 24 say they experienced sexual abuse before they turned 18.
Omolara Oriye, a human rights lawyer believes that the creation of safe spaces for women and girls is an important strategy in their protection, especially for a group who she says would otherwise be exposed to issues brought on by social inequalities.
“Public spaces are sacrosanct to the existence of societies but in many cases, public spaces are unsafe for women because of sexual harassment and violence,” says Oriye.
Just in April 2019, police officers in Abuja, the Nigerian capital, raided a nightclub during which 65 women were either sexually assaulted or injured.
Yet, things seem to be changing with women at the reins. With the rise and popularity of feminism among a young generation of Nigerian women, years of harmful gender norms, stereotypes, and behaviours rooted in misogyny are being unlearned and protested against.
The adaptation of the  #MeToo movement to suit cultural and religious contexts— #ChurchToo and #ArewaMeToo—are pointers to this change. These campaigns counter the problem of sexual assault in multiple settings.
Other organisations take a more specific approach in their attempts to counter the problem. Market March was organised to protest sexual harassment specifically in Lagos markets.
But with all its advantages, is Wine and Whine creating a safe space for just cis and heterosexual women?
The organisation says its events are open to all women.
“Intersectionality and intersectional feminism are a big part of our belief system,” says 29-year-old co-founder, Odufuwa. “We believe that we are not free unless all women are free and transwomen and the LGBTQ+ community are our allies and are important to us.”
In Nigeria, members of the LGBTQ+ community are subjected to widespread homophobia, much of it stemming from religious and cultural perceptions. 49% of Nigerians are estimated to be Christian and another 49% are Muslim.
In Northern Nigeria where Islamic Sharia law is implemented, gays and lesbians can legally be stoned to death. The Same-Sex Marriage Prohibition Act (SSMPA) passed in 2014 further fanned this flame by criminalizing certain homosexual relations with up to 14 years in jail, a law that Ugochi says made her feel like a criminal.
“It made me always look over my shoulder and was a real part of my existence,” she says, “I was very paranoid that people could tell I was gay.”
She adds that this fear has decreased with time, saying she has found comfort in an understanding of the law and in the people working to have it repealed.
“I realised that the law does not criminalize being gay, it criminalizes the marriage of homosexuals, while this is still a problem, it doesn’t make me feel as bad as I used to feel.”
For Oriye, the greatest gift Wine and Whine might have given women is more mental than physical.
“Women often have to negotiate their bodily autonomy with society,” Oriye says. “But in safe spaces such as Wine and Whine, the mental burden is taken off. This contributes to the overall wellness of women either queer or otherwise.”
The feedback following Wine and Whine, both online and offline was immense.
For Ugochi, it is the most powerful event she has been to. “I didn’t have to second guess anything. I wasn’t scared of being groped or that my drink would be spiked.”
Sophia Essien, a 29-year-old heterosexual woman, and lawyer who also attended Wine and Whine echoes Ugochi’s sentiments as well. Having lived in Lagos for over a decade, Essien says she doesn’t remember ever attending a party in Nigeria and not being groped by a man.
“The last time I attended a safe party must have been years ago when I was a child,” she says. “There was even a time a man forcefully kissed me at a party.”
Hence, she is thankful for Wine and Whine. “Partying as an adult has been the most difficult thing ever,” Essien says. “I’m so glad that Wine and Whine happened.”
Many of the attendees also praised the event online.
Bruhh last night was mad! I had soooo much fun. Ate and drank so much. It was such an amazing vibe with only women around. I haven’t partied in almost a decade because men are scary. I had the very best time. My knees be crying today but I have zero ragrets.@wineandwhineng
— Petty (@malikah_maryam) December 1, 2019
@wineandwhineng yesterday was amazing, I’ve never seen women party so hard and be so free. Women were free to just be.
— Deola Omo Olugbon (@thedeolabee) December 1, 2019
So many cute moments today. From @OdunEweniyi handing me her glass of wine, @iamrenike asking “have you had anything to eat?” and giving me her snacks because I came late, and @urfavegurl offering me a ride when she didn’t even know who I was. ❤️❤️ @wineandwhineng
— phiphi (@the_phidelia) November 30, 2019
“The aftermath of it is that we realised that women wanted and needed this, so we have now added it to our offerings,” Eweniyi adds.
But for all its good, putting together Wine and Whine has not been hitch-free.
In the days that followed the third edition of Wine and Whine, there was criticism across social media from both men and women who opined that women already owned their space in society and thus did not need a break from men, a viewpoint that Oriye disagrees with.
“In human rights, the creation of safe spaces are not only legal, they are very important to the enjoyment of fundamental human rights to which women are entitled,” Oriye says.
The organisers say, however, that critics are the least of their problems. According to Odufuwa, a lot of the challenges are structural and financial. They range from finding the right space and raising the required funds, to locating partners and sponsors.
“Nothing in life is without a cost even when it is tied to activism,” she says.
Yet, both Odufuwa and Eweniyi are spurred by the impact Wine and Whine has had, and rudimentarily by their understanding of why women need safe spaces.
“Existing as a woman is having an innate understanding that anything could jeopardize your wellbeing at any time,” Eweniyi says. “And who doesn’t need a refuge from that?”
*Name changed to protect identity
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Ope Adedeji is a lawyer, writer, and editor managing things at Zikoko mag. Her work has appeared in Catapult, McSweeney's Quarterly and Barren Magazine. She's is a finalist for the 2020 US National Magazine Award and the winner of the 2019 Brittle Paper Award for fiction.